Monday, February 20, 2012

online dating part 82: why people lie about their age



                                      see more of Stephan Pastis' genius at gocomics.com

So in light of my pretty poor record of online dating I have opted out for the past, well...3 or 4 years.  I had been pondering the idea of putting myself back there of late, after all, its not like I'm suffering from a bruised heart.  I'm about as self-aware and emotionally available as I've ever been.  I'm ready to take my chances, and with all of the medical issues I've oversome in the past 3 years, the risk of a broken heart does not seem like something worth limiting my behavior to prevent.   So what am I waiting for?  I don't know....something always stopped me from pulling the trigger.

Match.com is one of the largest online dating services in the world with millions of registered users on six continents.  I had stopped using Match 7 years ago because I was embarking on my bike racing "career" and I was tired of meeting Average Guys of slightly different stripes who were not particularly active or concerned about their health.  I wanted to date a cyclist, since I had been fully indoctrinated into the cult at that point and could not imagine dating someone who was constantly whining about all the time I spend on my bicycle and away from him.  So I switched over to fitness-singles and instead met a lot of fit men who measured their success in terms of body fat, personal bests, and how hot their girlfriend is.  Most of the guys that contacted me could not write a single sentence without typos and misspellings.  It was pretty depressing.  PBF is a perfect example.   I did however meet Dr. Mark on FS who certainly was heads and shoulders above the rest but alas I also met X, who turned out to be nightmare in more ways than one. We'll get back to that I promise.

As I said I had not been on Match since about 2004 or so.  A few months ago thinking I might try the online dating thing again, at least for the purposes of *research,* I went back on Match, logged in and Lo and Behold there was my old profile from the tender age of 35 in all of it's youthful ebullience.  Word for word.  Now while I could still agree with sentences I had penned back then such as:
"As you can guess I am liberal but I have no patience for those who are lazy, stupid, or indifferent about their effect on others and the ecosystem we all live in."
          or  
"Fine jewelry is nice, but most of the time I would prefer a power tool."  Which might still be true but these words would be used against me should I actually meet someone who I end up entering a LTR with.  I would be getting Sawzalls and Dremels on every Valentine's Day for the rest of my life.  You get the picture.
 

....at this point the rest needed to be reworked a bit.  I felt the need to more succinctly elucidate the dozen or so dealbreakers I have picked up through the indoctrination of age...and serial dating.... while also injecting some humor as a counterpoint to the verbal barbed wire fence I needed to weave around my little essay.   That is to say I might as well state right off the bat that I no longer date slackers, liars, addicts or narcissists.  Yes, I realize I've just gashed a huge hole in the side of the potential suitor gene pool.  Look at that water streaming out......


Now here's a lesson for you: if Match.com kept my profile on their servers through 7 years of inactivity,   then you can bet they keep anyone's profile.  (and I don't mean my profile was still visible on the site even though I was a non-paying member, I call that leaving a "fishing line in the water" and a ton of folks do it even when they are married or in a relationship, which is über lame.)  If you notice a friend or old flame has changed their username on the site, they are probably doing it for one reason only: to change something about their online dating persona that they cannot change just by editing, and that would be--you guessed it--their birth date.

"Older and Wiser baby", my birthday card
from kid sister
Well a month ago I had not decided yet that I was going to re-enroll as the Older and Wiser Andrea on Match.com, but I did consent to having them send me an email of my "daily matches."  It comes to my inbox each afternoon while I am at work, and I do browse through the profiles just to remind myself why it's OK I have not dated in two years.

So about a month  ago, I was in my kitchen folding the goat cheese, sprouts and avocado into a shiitake spinach onion omelette I had made on the one morning of the week when I sleep past 4:30.  I sat down with the full plate, a steaming hot cup of tea, and my Ipad to read the New York Times.  It was a cold morning, and the pups were at my feet, Madison with her stuffed animal in her mouth and Chloe watching my every move for that moment when I would put down my fork and she would spring to her paws to have a chance to lick up the scraps from my plate.  I decided to check my email first, and there was my daily dispatch from match.com,  "Andrea, here are your new matches!"

So I clicked on it, and saw a very familiar face.  It was not a big shock to see X online dating, but...wait a minute....are you kidding me?

Under his handle it said "40 years old, Philadelphia, PA"  He had suddenly shed 8 years from his age, as in a few weeks he will be 49.   Not only that, but he had the gall to choose a username, like many do, with the year of his birth as part of the handle, only he used someone else's year, not his, someone almost a decade younger.  Pathetic.

I clicked on it, and read through the profile, and there were so many lies in it it made me a little sick to my stomach, mainly that I had once trusted someone who was even more of a liar than even I had figured out he was.  As my therapist remarked when I told her the story, "It kind of makes you wonder about everything he ever told you."
lie detector test How to Beat a Lie Detector Test
As the weeks have passed, however, the situation actually has had the opposite effect on me, as at one point I had actually considered reuniting with this person, but the older and wiser version of andrea has learned, finally, to trust her instincts and these told me that even though he had stopped the most obvious outward manifestations of his penchant for self-destruction, inside he was still a tortured soul and his abuse of himself and those closest to him would continue, albeit more subtly. In my world, even if a person is fine 95% of the time and a jerk the other 5%, well that's just too much for me.  You still have to live with the fear of when the beast will come out. And I don't like walking on eggshells. So seeing this validation of my instincts definitely made me feel good.


So simply because I know my audience eats this stuff up, not of course due to any desire on my part to expose his duplicity,  I will reveal a few of those lies as a cautionary tale to those of you who are currently fishing in the online dating pool.  I think the one who gets me the most is he states:


 'Fido'* is pure sugar. All he knows is LUV LUV LUV!! And he teaches me every day the Buddhist way... That the key to happiness is to be in the present moment - to never morn the past or worry about the future - but just to be here - now.. (* not the dog's actual name....yes I protect the identities of those I am maligning as well as that of their [former] animals)


The dog who really does show me every day how
awesome she is.  Unconditional love.
Ok, first off, this drives me crazy as a woman who has tenderly cared for three raw-fed dogs in the past decade.  This meant often not attending mid week social events, races, weekends away, whatever, because of not having adequate coverage for my animals.  I take the responsibility of acquiring and caring for a dog as a lifelong (the dog's life that is) commitment.  X no longer has a dog.  He gave Fido away because he could not take care of him, although in his mind he convinced himself that the dog would be better off as a member of a pack owned by a dog trainer friend of his with substance abuse problems who has too many animals to provide them with nutritious food and medical care.  Fido has terrible digestive issues and clearly could not handle his food but X angrily told me to stay out of it when I suggested that he needed to do some experimenting to get his dog on a diet on which the  American Staffordshire Terrier could thrive.  This dog produced massive volumes of room-clearing gas late in the day, was lethargic and always looked miserable, it was really tough to witness for me.   X has custody of Fido one weekend a month, so how the dog could possibly teach him "every day the Buddhist way" is beyond me.   For the way that my dogs, [who I take care of every single day whether they are killing groundhogs in the dog park, throwing up on the carpet, or scheduled for $1200 surgery because a fatty tumor is growing too fast] show me the Buddhist way, click here and scroll down to Part II.


The other killer sentence in this work of fiction that struck me was, "Mutual trust and deep respect, I believe, are the keys to a beautiful and powerful relationship", this from a guy who not only was a expert liar by his own omission, but who also had a mean streak a mile wide that was especially fierce with the application of any alcohol.  It was advisable never to criticize him for fear he would unleash his wrath upon you and inflict words you would have a hard time shaking off even years down the road.  Which made it tough to have honest discussions with him about any difficult emotional issue, because he was the classic case of narcissistic personality disorder, and combined with the aforementioned mean streak; well it just was not worth it.  Often he would ask me how I felt about something and I would just stare at him in dumb silence, knowing I could never have a balanced constructive conversation about it like I could with a partner who valued me as an equal.  Can you imagine me staring in dumb silence?  It's a terribly powerless way to feel in a relationship, I will tell you.

He also mentions he is "divorced, " because he and I used to joke that when you get into your 40s it is better to be divorced with no kids than "never married", because women think that men who are 48 and never married must have some serious issues with commitment.  But that does not mean you make up a story about being married, for God's sake!  It's one of the icebreakers on a first date, "so, how long have you been divorced?"  I wonder who the lucky ex-girlfriend will be who will become his wife in the double-life he will be concocting from day one of meeting someone new?

Oh, and he's a smoker.  He only smokes one cigarette a day supposedly, but he states clearly in his profile he will not consider dating one.  In fact, the phrase is, "No Way."  Nice.  Let me give you a hint people.  Even if you only smoke one a day, no matter how many times you brush your teeth, no matter how many mints you pop into your mouth, the non-smokers of the world can still smell it.  I certainly could.

Then there is the Age Question.  Many men, especially fit men, limit their age parameters for the partner to a few years beneath their own age, which always amuses me, as if their buddies will think less of them if they are not dating a younger woman.  Well, it's amusing me less year after year, I'll tell you.  So a cute 40 year old blond will inevitably say she is seeking men from 35-50, lets say, but a typical 40-year old man will say he desires a range of 28-35.  It's pretty gross actually, but men I talk to about it say that the women in their mid-40s and beyond don't keep themselves in shape.  OK, so don't email the women who don't fit your lifestyle.  It does not mean you don't consider that there might be one out there who bucks the trend.  I know plenty of female cyclists in their 40s and 50s who are in incredible shape, as they kick my ass out on the road.

The other option I guess, is just to lie about your age, and hope that the person you snared who would never have considered you if she knew you were 5 years older will forgive you when she finds out, should your meeting blossom until a full-fledged relationship.  I'm not even talking about the people who are just looking to get laid.  I'm talking about people like X who claim they are bored with meaningless sex and want a committed relationship.  I can't imagine a better way to start one off, can you?

Women looking at X's profile might be relieved to see that this open-minded 40-year old is seeking women from 28-45, but sorry girls, he is actually 49, like I said.  Oh well.  My recommendation? Ask to see a drivers license on the first encounter.  You can warn them that this is coming as I did in my latest rewrite with a sentence such as, "If you are lying about your age or anything else in your profile, please pass me by. I have found that it is ALWAYS just the tip of the iceberg, and I’m not interested in dating a man who has not come to terms with what is under his own skin."

Yes, I may be single longer than many of you because of my insistence on weeding out those who lack integrity, but at least I can sleep knowing there is not a snake in the bed next to me.  Just maybe a dog or two.

Be careful out there.  

12 comments:

Neil said...

My oh my you have a way with words.

Tim said...

http://motherjones.com/media/2012/02/eric-klinenberg-going-solo-singles ...In fact, Klinenberg, a professor of sociology at New York University (and a Mother Jones contributor), has found that the benefits of being single far outweigh the disadvantages. "Singletons" living by themselves report that they're equally or more fulfilled than their more domesticated peers. They are more likely to have active social lives and to be engaged in their communities—so much for bowling alone. For instance, Klinenberg notes, "Women who live alone who are considerably more likely to volunteer than women who are married. Marriages are very greedy, especially with women's time."

andrea walheim said...

yes that study has been getting a lot of press lately. As for me, my parties are always better when I'm single but that could be because I can enjoy being a hostess and focus on my guests rather than how my interactions might affect my partner's ego. Clearly I need to date better. Thanks for posting Tim.

Anonymous said...

I have known "X' on and off since he was 14. We should talk. I love how you write, BTW.

andrea walheim said...

thank you. facebook me if you wish. A

MAC said...

Wow, Andrea that sounds like a fantastic omelette :} Your dogs are very lucky to have you as their chef.
Tim has some interesting thoughts, however, I am sure we all can agree there is a HUGH difference between being single, married with a family and married/LTR. And I don't believe single offers the "most" fun in life! - that is unless you are a monk.
By any chance do you offer cooking lessons? Because it sounds like you have have a few skills in the kitchen -

mac

andrea walheim said...

Yes I agree with you and that is why most of us single people are busy trying to update change our status to "encumbered." As for cooking lessons, a few of my friends are urging me to open a restaurant but I don't think that is going to happen anytime soon. Heidi and Susan both have great recipes and there are links to their sites (rawmazing and 101cookbooks) on the sidebar though!

andrea walheim said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MAC said...

Well the restaurant biz is a tough life, but private lessons are a little more manageable. BTW, how long have you been riding?

andrea walheim said...

How long have I been riding....a bike? Jeez, forever. I have no idea. I think I have always ridden a bike, I was smitten when I got my first BigWheel and I used to race the kid across the street when I was 5. But if you mean training *seriously* (as if) I suppose since 2004. Long enough to have scars all over my body.

MAC said...

Well,I have learned there is one unmistakable sound in life -- and that is...the crunching of a Big Wheel tire over the pavement coming down the street with a kid on it!!! Look out :)

As for the scars - none yet, but working on it (maybe I am a "natural" or maybe I need to ride harder!!), they certainly tell a story of passion and determination don't they.

Speed Dating Edinburgh said...

Oops, fitness singles such a bore! You've got so much interesting stories about online dating (even tho, let's say, not so thrilling), you should write a book!