Friday, October 26, 2012

please, please don't EVER send me flowers like this. ever.

yes, that's a little red yorkie with devil's horns, a pitchfork, and a collar that reads, "a-dog-able."  
[excuse me while I puke]

So I was down in the kitchen today at work getting my low-carb lunch together when I man came in and asked for my co-worker, who had left for the day.  I said I would sign for the flowers, probably a little miffed that they were not for me....that is until I got a better look at them.

As I was scanning his clipboard and deciphering where to sign my name the deliveryman pointed to the flowers in a voice that was two pitches too high for his stature and said, "Check it out!  it's a little dog."

I handed him back the clipboard and looked at the little red monstrosity with one eyebrow raised suspiciously.  So it was.  A Yorkshire Terrier, perhaps my least favorite dog in the entire universe, fashioned out of carnations, which I always considered a white-trash flower.  How perfect.

I could not wait to get upstairs so I could snap a picture and blast it out to Boss #1, Boss #2, and Sock:
check out the gay flowers Gordon got today.  Yes that's a little gay dog with devils horns and a pitchfork.  I hope he gets laid tonight.

Yes, you see, the intended recipient of this horrid little floral confection was none other than a man, who happens to be a salesman for a commercial flooring company.  Construction, a totally macho industry, and he happens to have a girlfriend who enjoys sending him flowers.  Like every month.  It's bad enough that my co-worker gets more flowers than me, but perhaps the fact that that co-worker is a dude makes it easier to swallow somehow.  Maybe.  Actually the last person who sent me flowers never revealed him or her-self, so it's been a while.  And I had to lacerate my own kidney just to get those!

Of course after I texted this picture to the other office people, and some of the guys in the field, and even a customer or two, I don't think she will be sending anymore old-lady dogs sculpted out of old-lady flowers to Gordo.  He's getting a lot of grief.   And seriously, if the next floral delivery man is not bringing a bunch for yours truly, said flower-bearer might just get a black eye.  I've had it!

Here are the rules: No carnations or red roses.  I prefer orchids anyway.  And honestly if you just can't decide on the flowers I really love dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt.  70% cocoa or higher.  Just in case.

Monday, October 22, 2012

day 9: now that I am ketogenic why do I still feel like dogshit exactly?

whew!  what a relief!  I knew I could do it!
 Tuesday August 14, 2012

The pups came to work with me today and all I wanted to do was lay down on the chaise with them. I did not feel quite as bad as when I was not eating at all, but still pretty lousy. I truly don't know how I'm going to get through five more days of this.

I actually have a date Thursday night and he wants to go to dinner. I had to explain to him when we spoke early in the week that I have not eaten any actual food for nine days and I just have to get through the weekend before I can end this experiment from hell. Imagine explaining that to a total stranger. Of course my experience has told me that setting up a dinner with someone you have never met in person, as opposed to just coffee or a drink, is always a bad idea. So if I never needed an out; well here was a damn creative one.

Luckily this was not someone I was particularly interested in; which pretty much describes everyone I have ever met online, but at the same time I would rather not get into all this crap with an interested suitor I have to sit next to and field questions from for an hour or two. Not that yammering on about blood ketones and gastrointestinal issues like SIBO isn't a fabulous icebreaker; and of course I'm not generally shy about speaking or writing about all manner of personal issues with good friends and total strangers, but nonetheless I was dreading the whole affair. With my energy levels this low I could barely stomach the workday so I certainly did not feel like pouring on the charm for a date. It takes a fair amount of energy for that, and sadly these days most dates have become more of a diversion from the monotony of work, training and chores rather than an hopeful segue into a potential relationship. I've succumbed to viewing it more as an excuse to explore a new restaurant while practicing my gift of intuition on an unsuspecting stranger.  I do enjoy talking to ambitious people about their life goals and plans, and often in as little as half an hour with a person I can offer them some insight into some obstacle or problem they might not even know is there; if they are receptive to hearing it that is. But as I said it takes energy to read energy, and when I'm not feeling up to it the whole exercise can be draining. And in that case, instead of building a bridge to another person I might never lay eyes on during this life again I end up feeling irritable and more isolated than ever, stuck on my own lonely island.  Energy is the key to a happy life.
the pups chillin on my office chaise

Of course, my gastroenterologist wants me to stop the semi-elemental diet. (She is not aware of the ketogenic aspect as I wisely omitted the little detail about not eating any carbohydrates) She thinks I should take different antibiotics since the Rifimaxin and Neomycin clearly did not do the trick, and since her prescriptions for Flagyl and Augmentin are here in my hot little hands I was actually thinking about it. Then I re-read the Anthony Colpo article I mentioned in a previous post. Colpo is a researcher and cyclist who gives pretty comprehensive evidence that ketogenic diets are horrible for endurance athletes. Let me tell you that did not help my resolve, but then again, the primary issue I'm treating here is the SIBO. I'm not ignorant enough to try to compete in elite mountain bike races without eating any carbohydrates. So I was wondering if I should just give up the experiment and I mentioned this to a friend of mine in Bermuda who I often IM at work.

He typed back, "what, quit now? You're on Day 9!"

Damn. I knew he was right. I'm not a quitter.

I took my blood ketones today and whoa! was I surprised to see 1.3 on the little screen. Hello keto-adaptation! It's about time! Seeing  1.3 millimolars was a nice boost after all, because it indicated that the enzyme regulation that needed to occur for my body to switch over to becoming efficient at fat burning was finally underway.  (Remember the chart in this post?)  Stopping now would end all that. I just was really surprised that I feel as tired and weighed down today as I do when my body was finally producing ketones at this level. Despite feeling lousy, I figured that I was seeing the light at the end of the keto-adaptation tunnel. So since my blood ketones are right where they need to be, but I still feel like shit; my fatigue could be the result of the fact that I am not getting the nutrients I need on this low-calorie, low-nutrient semi-elemental diet from hell. Or perhaps because I have not stopped exercising I need dietary carbohydrate because I clearly do not have insulin resistance. So I decided to suffer through the next 5 days in the hopes that the semi-elemental diet will cure my SIBO. Hopefully I could avoid taking any more antibiotics, because not having SIBO symptoms right now while eating only coconut oil and casein is really nice. I don't miss food at all.